Forget the language of love – we’re diving into the language of orgasms.
‘What’s the difference between a golf ball and a clitoris?’
‘A man will spend 15 minutes looking for a golf ball.’
We are slowly beginning to talk more about femininity and sex, but the female orgasm is still very much a taboo subject in society. Not even taboo sometimes, just plain missed out. Forgotten about. Extinct, if you will.
Many young women go unsatisfied during sex, for many underwhelming reasons including society’s patriarchal enthusiasm for men’s ejaculation to be top priority with both men and women subtly being taught that a man’s needs come above his partner’s. Women exist to please men. Insert eye roll here.
In our extremely professional instagram poll half of young women involved said that overall they feel that sexual partners put their own needs above that of their lady friend’s, i.e. a lot of men are seemingly very selfish or very uneducated, but most likely an unsavoury combination of the two. (Assuming you are a woman with a male sexual partner(s)).
A man’s sexual climax is necessary for the production of babies, but his lady friend being sexually satisfied serves no biological purpose, other than Mother Nature attempting to convince women there’s something in it for them when mating with our penis-having friends in order to continue the human race, and go through the subsequent torture of childbirth. But she does a pretty decent job – she’s given us around 8,000 nerve endings in a tiny nub on our fleshy vulvas. Yes, 8,000. And yet there are so many clitorises out there going unloved. It’s a global tragedy.
We can’t blame men for this entirely, we are blasted by advice columns and lady forums with the tools of how to get a man off but men don’t have much to go by when it comes to making a lady’s legs jiggle. A lot of men are even oblivious to the fact that the female orgasm exists, and if they do they are usually completely dumbfounded on how to pleasure women to the point of climax, so they wouldn’t know where to start to have your eyes rolling back (in the right kind of way) anyway.
Because we are taught when we are small that sex is bad and dangerous and has the potential to cause mass destruction when it results in screaming babies and heinous diseases, a lot of young women don’t have a naturally warm relationship with sex from the start. As well as fearful advice from our worried parents when we are making that transition from child to adult, a young person’s social life and early experiences can instil fear around sexuality.
World renowned Tantra Master (what an awesome title?!) Mahasatvaa Ananda Sarita at VividLife.me explains, ‘when the initiation into sexuality is of a low quality, it is typical that this first experience has strong repercussions on one’s sexual life afterwards.’ Derogatory insults such as ‘slut’ and ‘whore’ from both young men and our fellow gal pals conjure up so much insecurity and worry around being open and proud of your sexuality as a young woman that many young ladies often avoid the whole pleasure thing altogether, whether that be alone or with another.
Abuse is another serious and often unspoken horror that many girls and boys experience early on in their sexual lives. Sarita says, ‘some people pick themselves up and learn how to enjoy sex and even discover ecstasy through it, but many carry secret suffering and confusion, as well as the natural longing for a deep union which brings fulfilment to body and soul’. And because it’s seen as such a taboo, dirty topic, a lot of women don’t even know what they want themselves. Some girls never dare to masturbate out of fear of being ghastly and unladylike. What’s more ladylike than owning your sexual pleasure and getting to know your body’s language?
All women are different when it comes to The Big O, so there’s something we need to do, ladies. We need to discuss it. We need to get it out there. We need to confide in each other. We need to tell our men what we want. We need to be open and honest about the world of sex so that we can crush the stigma and start truly enjoying it.
I have three words. STOP FAKING IT.
There’s also a strange porn culture phenomenon that seems to be rife among young women – faking it. Whatever your reasons may be; your man not satisfying you and just plain getting it wrong, things just taking far too long, or you being painfully worried that you aren’t stroking his ego enough – it needs to stop. We need to stop. How else will your partner know what to do next time if you’re pointing him in the entirely opposite direction, praising him for getting it wrong as he enthusiastically wiggles his finger in your thigh crease or half-heartedly pokes about just left of the jackpot. I have three words. STOP FAKING IT. It’s all about confident communication – telling your fella what works well and what doesn’t. ‘Left a bit, baby’, or ‘circles instead of strokes’, or ‘stay right there’ can make all the difference between a mediocre performance and maximum pleasure. He’ll find your confidence and ownership of your pleasure sexy, too – a woman who knows exactly what she wants? Pure male heaven. So speak up, ladies – tell him what works and what doesn’t. Don’t be afraid to tell him what to do – after all, you might just get a gushing good time out of it.
Communicate. Elaborate. Ejaculate.
We asked a group of young women to describe what an orgasm feels like for them. We also asked ‘if you had to tell a confused man one thing about orgasms, what would it be?’ Let’s see what they said…
My orgasms: Orgasms feel like a pleasure sneeze. You can feel the build-up, you become encompassed by the intensity and the pressure, and then there’s this overwhelming release – an explosion, a gush. It feels like you’ve tippled over a ledge into a pool of ecstasy. And then you feel satisfyingly exhausted.
My tip for men: Take your time and pay attention to what your lady reacts to. Because once you’ve found what works for her, you’ll both reap the benefits and triple the intensity of your love life together.
My orgasms: A slow warmth spreading from my feet until it flows like lava all over me.
My tip for men: Women need to take their time so go slow!
My orgasms: It’s as if your body has lost all control, it is one of the weirdest and best sensations!
My tip for men: Girls need to orgasm too so don’t be selfish.
My orgasms: It feels like an intense rushing, warm, tingling feeling over your body.
My tip for men: Orgasm isn’t always possible through penetration.
My orgasms: Sometimes I feel like I’m floating.
My tip for men: They’re important for women!!! You need to communicate about how to get her there as well as yourself.
My orgasms: Fucking amazing. I’ve never experienced an orgasm from penetration alone and have always had to stimulate the clit to have any sensation. The sensation is just a complete build up of tingles that release themselves all over my body. From my head to my toes. But mostly in my knees.
My tip for men: It’s not the rougher the better. It’s not the faster the better. It’s not the deeper the better.
Foreplay is more important than you think. Find the clit. (I know this is 5 things, but a normal man needs all the help he can get, let alone a confused one)
Hopefully this will help you talk to your sexual partner and let him know all of your desires. And gals, if he’s not interested, wave goodbye. Your legs deserve to be shaking on the regular, sister.